Irrational memoirs

It doesn't matter when and where it happened. It just happened. It happens every time as emotions are deeply involved. To let them be, as such as they are is difficult. It is easier to try to explain them afterwards, to connect them to theories I have studied - well, that is easy. To go through those tunnels of emotions  is not easy. Some emotions are like beautiful flowers, always  attracting to look at them, to adore them, to try to catch them back. As it is question as I see a painting at the art museum, beauty of which makes me just --- to hold the feeling as living for some time, to try to hold to be in the midst of  that feeling longer, further....

I remember those childish dreams, almost non-realistic imaginations I waited for the trip. I lived in my own world, interpreting everything from my own viewpoint, rejecting all alternative explanations. I just believed on my feelings and my thoughts. I was kind of obsessed. As it has happened many years ago, it doesn't matter who the person was, whom to name him. The whole thing was just kind of a complex Rubik's cube. Almost impossible to solve, so many combinations you don't remember them, and finally you are in a puzzle no way out. Well, there are some who can solve the cube, they are talented in it, but I am not.


Were everything just my own dreams and fantasies? Was there anything true? Or, were our  fantasies as part of the interactive drama? I have only first perspective view, I can tell only of my own perceptions and feelings. I have also another's viewpoint as he told, but I am never sure if he was able or honest to tell what the core of the situation was. Later, we tried to build friendship, but it ended to disagreement.

I waited something else and I didn't accept the truth I heard from his lips. And I cried. For hours, in front of him. It is odd how we are afraid of crying. (But you must read: it is I, me, who is  afraid of crying - basically everybody tells of one's own perspective). It is so difficult to accept...what? Disappointment? Needs didn't meet with another's? I didn't get what I hoped for? I was hurt? I had feeling I was deceived?

It was strange how long he was able to watch my crying. We sat on the bench for hours. It was very hot day, and I remember cool air came from somewhere as we stopped to play that drama in evening. Next day, we separated. But we continued to write, with ups and downs, and finally it was broken. 

What is the truth of situation? What actually happened? Two persons ways crossed, feelings and emotions were deep but something still went wrong.  It happened many years ago. Does "explanation" explain anything? Does it give all information of the situation? Is it possible? Or do the emotions tell something more? Or both? Or theories of emotional attachment? Do I feel more secure if I interpret this  with words? It makes this all much more clear, easy to see why I behaved as I behaved. Is  different reaction  possible  in the future from my part? Or am I destined to this kind of reaction? What is change from one way of reaction to another way of reaction?

You can have many perspectives to this situation. Many kind of words. How  good are words to explain which escapes words?

​Emotions. As fog, you can't see clearly.

(Originally published 12/5/2018)